So, if you’re wondering what life is like for those who are swingers and what it really entails, I’m happy to tell you! As a member of a happy, heterosexual couple who are swingers there’s a lot I can offer by way of details. It’s not something we share widely to family, friends and strangers because it’s obvious that most people are a bit more conservative about their relationship and intimacy practices, but as couple of those close to us know (all the non-swingers are what we usually refer to as “vanillas”).

So if you’re ready to find out what this lifestyle is like, prepare to dive in!

It’s Not Easy to Adopt

We don’t really grow up in pro-swinger sex vacation environments, where this lifestyle is billed as an option for us and our partners, so when you first hear about it you’ll probably feel your eyebrows raise quite a bit. For us, we had a married couple as friend who were in an open relationship, as we found out through the grapevine. Our introduction wasn’t too exciting considering it was a complete relationship fail built on its share of issues.

In a nutshell, we noticed how flirty the husband was around us and discovered that he wanted to sleep with other women, and having an open relationship was the best way to accept that. The marriage didn’t last long to say the least, but the wife is now remarried and happily NOT a swinger. Needless to say, this didn’t really make us feel like running off into the swinger sunset.

The one good thing that came out of it was our awareness. Our friends had introduced us to sites like Dr.Nights Lounge and Swingers Resort , a great place to get introduced to the swinger lifestyle and even meet up with other people who are into the same things. You can scout out mixers in your areas, and become more comfortable with the whole vibe if you’re a bit nervous, as most people are.

SWINGER RESORT
Most of the people you will meet are very welcoming and relaxed. We found that it was easy to get advice and absolutely no one pressured us to engage in anything we weren’t interested in or ready for, which is the greatest relief as a newcomer, and especially for us in our previous pushy experience.

One of the things you are most likely to realize when becoming a swinger is that there are incredibly decent and kind people, normal people who just happen to enjoy this way of life. All in all, it took us about three years to make the decision to try this swinging thing out and be on the same page together.

It’s Gonna Be Hella Awkward

We never personally hooked up with anyone during those mixers, but we gained our confidence enough to head into our first out-of-town event. And where else was more fitting than Dominican Republic? 1,000 swingers in one hotel. It was about to be pretty epic.

We knew the energy would be extreme and pretty exciting so we discussed together what we were and weren’t willing to do while on the four day trip and we packed a rainbow of condoms to be safe and ready for anything.

Nothing turned out to be what we thought. Per usual, expectations were a bit too high. The atmosphere was pretty similar to a high school clique at prom. Everyone was gorgeous, the venue was sexy and electric, but how would we ever fit in? It seemed like things would be much harder than we thought.

If you find yourself in this scenario, just know that’s super normal. It’s human behavior to be a little awkward at a new event such as this. It’s easy to mingle with people we already know, it’s comfortable to us. And considering that knocking boots at the end of the night is the ultimate idea, no one’s necessarily going to be jumping into the arms of the first stranger they see.

It took a couple hours but we finally made friends with a small group who invited us to join them. A lot of swingers like to catch up with similar people and shoot the breeze like all couples do. It’s not an automatic invitation to a hot orgy. We flirted that first night and got to know anyone so no hookups even came close to happening until the second night. You’ll be friends first, lovers second so enjoy the company of people around you.

Swinger Is a Very Vague Word

Just like in life, everyone has their own interest, and everyone has different things they are into. The more social types like to go to parties and orgies while introverted types feel more comfortable meeting online. Some like to engage in full swaps (sex) and others are more soft swap types (anything but sex).

You’ll meet women who like to engage with couples (unicorns) and many couples who have a bisexual wife and enjoy engaging with other couples although the men stay with their own partners. There are some swingers who are open to mingling openly. And then there are the fakes.

They’re typically young, go to big events, run to the stripper pole, but never down to actually hook up. Everyone has their own boundaries, as they should, so that’s okay. When you meet you have to feel out what everyone is into. There’s so many levels you can’t possibly keep track, so just feel things out and see who’s into the same thing you are.

This is Not for Couple Who Don’t Trust and Can’t Communicate

You might have figured this already if you’re attentive, but just in case you’re having ideas knowing that your relationship isn’t the best in these areas, I’m telling now STOP. There can be no communication breakdowns in this lifestyle, hence why we discussed it for three long years.

Trust must be at a full battery 100 percent. If you see someone and know you want to have sex with them, you have to know that your partner won’t hit you upside the head or silently resent you for time to come.

Prime example from a couple we know. A friend of ours came across a sketchy massage parlor and shared it with his wife who told him to see what it was about. His inclinations were right and he went the whole way–albeit he said he didn’t completely enjoy the experience. The couple laughs about it to this day as he describes feeling like his members was stuck in a jackhammer.

We found these kinds of tales endearing and really appreciated that couples could be this open and honest with one another about their experiences and not feel angry or threatened by it. As newlyweds, this has been a big part of how we think so many swingers’ marriages last and stay exciting.

Don’t Let Your Values Down

For those who are anti-swinger this may not seem to make sense, but stay with me. Standards are still very important. We don’t just sleep with any random person we see who wants to be with us, although that’s probably the first impression we all have. We respect each person and couple, we never want to be aggressive or pushy.

And regardless of the mood we’re in, we always remain in tune with our comfort level, say is our partner is not comfortable with the prospective person or simply not in the mood. It’s not fun when everyone’s not happy. You can’t force things. That’s the quickest aisle to divorce and misery. For couples who keep pushing even when one clearly isn’t ready, things never end up well.

Sometimes it’s hard, when you totally click with someone or are attracted to them but one of them isn’t attracted to you. It happens a lot but it’s part of the life. It also creates the need for creativity so you’re not telling a couple, sorry my partner thinks you’re ugly. We have learned to decline with grace. Or maybe someone will be willing to take one for the team with some restrictions. Who knows.

Being a swinger is lots of fun, but keep your standards and be respectful of others, and mingle with the couples who feel right for you.

Women Feel Super Confident

The swinging lifestyle empowers women in ways you wouldn’t believe, in fact it’s driven by women the majority of the time, and that’s why it’s often a successful arrangement for those interested in it.

In America we all hear that men are dogs who constantly think about sex and women are quiet in their affections, only feeling horny on special occasions and only having eyes for their partner. This is a stereotype and it’s not true, swinger or no swinger. This assumption will have you thinking that the man is the lead in the swinging life, but it’s actually the other way around. And when it comes to hooking up, the woman almost always sets the pace.

We usually all enjoy a few drinks and hang out as normal at events. Women will dance together as they notice someone they like and things will get a bit more serious. It’s only then that men join in. If you’re a straight woman completely, I imagine things might be a bit difficult this way.

While single women may be found among the couples, single men are not a thing. There’s someone out here who’s seen one, I’m sure but it’s because a woman probably invited them to it. They are handsome, respectful and not aggressive. Mostly available for a woman to approach, so it’s a place of great respect for women unlike your traditional pick-up spots.

Overly aggressive men creep people out honestly and make the situation feel unsafe. You may have an aggressive woman or two but it’s very rare. And they’ll probably get an eyeroll and get left alone on the dance floor.

Your Friends Might Feel Weird
Because we’re all picky and big about keeping up standards, some of us are only swinger sometimes, as my wife and I are. Even though we use “lifestyle” to describe it, we don’t let it run our lives and we go long periods of time without attending an event. It’s really a thing we do together like some couples go on romantic dates, dinners or trips.

But when anyone discovers what we do, they often get the perception that everywhere we go we’re scouting for potential hookups. They think we want sex all the time. Sometimes friends or acquaintances go overboard with questions or start crossing boundaries thinking we’re down for whatever at any given moment. They think it’s okay to say things to my wife. It’s horrifying and inappropriate and mainly just annoying. You’re probably not getting inviting to our next cookout.

Even the friends who aren’t trying to take advantage and respect us still feel awkward and that can send the dynamic off a tad bit. Sometimes they’re curious and then forget about it, other times they seem discomforted or leery. If may not be able to openly hug or touch someone in a platonic way as I did before we told them. It’s not something that makes us mad, it’s a normal consequence so you can make the decision of whether or not anyone in your life needs to know.

We remember feeling the same way ourselves so we don’t take it personally. We wouldn’t change our choice for anything.